Surprise!
You wake up early, enjoy a nice matcha latter, head to your workout class—and when you get back, you have 30 minutes to chill out before the Uber arrives.
Your Uber driver is lovely. He pulls right up to your door, hops out and tucks your bags in the trunk of his car. The A/C is cranked to the perfect cooling degree, the music isn’t too loud, and the driver isn’t a lunatic on the roads. When you arrive at the airport, your kiosk check-in is smooth. They don’t make you wait in an unbearably long line that forces you to question why the hell you’d travel in the first place. They don’t tell you, “Actually, ma’am, we’re not checking your flight at this time. Come back in 15 or 20 minutes.”
Security is a breeze. The line is medium-long but efficient, with TSA workers smiling at you and calmly disseminating information about what needs to be removed from your body and put into bins. You get to keep your shoes on. The bags are moving through the scanner at a steady pace. Your bag doesn’t get pushed to the side for an extra check, and you don’t get patted down by a grumpy lady on the other side of the body scanner. In fact, there aren’t any grumpy ladies.
On the other side, you grab your carry-ons and delight in the ease of the experience you just had. What sweet joy!
Your gate is close to the security exit, and when you arrive, there are seats galore. You can even steal a seat for your carry-on bags. There’s an outlet and leg room and everything is clean. No crumbs or sticky residue to be found.
It’s a short wait at the gate until they begin the boarding process, and, magically, people stay seated until their boarding group is called. Nobody flocks the area surrounding the gate attendant. You don’t get psyched out and feel the need to stand by the boarding area way before your group is called.
After about five minutes, it’s already your turn to board. You stroll down the ramp to the plane; no traffic of impatient, sweaty bodies has piled into the humid tunnel. Your walk to your seat is flawless. A nice, handsome DILF offers to stow your larger carry-on item in the ample overhead space, and let him. Finally, you take an aisle seat, place your backpack under the seat below you, and release a content sigh.
About ten minutes later, your flight attendant says, “Sorry, folks. There are major delays and everyone is going to have to de-plane. We aren’t sure when we’ll have any updates, and we don’t give a shit about you at all, really. This sucks for us, too, so don’t come at us. OK, bye.”
